Posted: May 6th, 2008 at 5:31pm By: Janet Conner
Divorce happens. Sometimes it happens because you betrayed your spouse; sometimes it happens because your spouse betrayed you. Sometimes it happens because everyone falls out of love with everyone else. Sometimes it happens because you realize you never should have married in the first place, or you’d rather be married to someone else, or your relationship is too vacant or too painful or too unhappy or too something and suddenly being alone looks very appealing, indeed.

Whatever the reason, divorce happens, and it happens to over half the couples who walk down an aisle and to an even greater percentage of those who don’t. Whether you were legally married, significant others, kinda-sorta serious, engaged, co-habitators, or any other variation of coupledom, divorce happens. And when it does, you have the opportunity to make a decision that colors not only your present and immediate future, but your long term future, including the happiness of all future relationships.

This is the decision: You can turn left and fight for every dollar, possession, and position. Or you can turn right and explore the sorrows and struggles of the breakup, not as opportunities to fight and win, but as opportunities to find meaning and purpose.

Most of us start by turning sharply left, struggling mightily to prove to ourselves, our friends, the legal system and anyone else whose ears we can commandeer, that we are RIGHT and the other guy is WRONG, we are GOOD and the other guy is BAD. This is hard work. And the legal system, as everyone discovers sooner or later, isn’t set up to make quick or perfect decisions. And so the fight goes on and on and on. Eventually some wiser souls (or perhaps more battered ones) start glancing the other way wondering, what would happen if I went about this differently?

That’s what happened to me. I felt there had to be some purpose to the relentless torture of my divorce, so I threw myself into daily deep soul writing, scouring every rotten thing that happened for all the lessons and learnings I could find. And in the process, I discovered Spiritual Geography, the map that illustrates the seven steps that heal the broken heart. Years after I concluded my journey through spiritualgeography, I met Dr. Robert A. Evans PhD, a nationally-recognized expert in divorce, child custody, relocation, and alienation, at a National Speakers Association meeting. When Bob asked me what I spoke about, I pulled out the map. His eyes got big. I explained that each country has a purpose—a healing purpose:
 In Betrayal, you learn to see what is—not just what you want to see.
 In Pain, you learn to recognize the truth and value of your real feelings.
 In War, you acquire the wisdom to recognize and choose right action.
 In Illusion, you uncover how you contributed to your situation.
 In Surrender, you learn from your experiences rather than trying to control them. (Which doesn’t work anyway, but we all take a very long time to figure that out.)
 In Choice, you build a new kind of conscious, purposeful, joyful life.
 And finally, in Peace, you forgive and discover that, at long last, you are ready to love in a new and much more meaningful and fulfilling way.

Bob Evans has seen divorce at its most brutal. He’s seen couples who can’t stop fighting and children who crumble in the crossfire. He’s seen families so devastated by the slow slog through the legal system that they never recover emotionally or financially. And he’s long been frustrated by the lack of a comprehensive healing solution. Just like the health care system, with specialists prescribing medication based on their narrow area of focus, divorce experts offer solutions based on their specific professions: The attorney recommends legal action. The mental health counselor recommends therapy. The financial specialist makes financial recommendations. The spiritual advisor recommends prayer and the librarian recommends books. But no one sits down and lays out a healing plan that incorporates everything. So, like the sick patient with a cabinet full of prescriptions that don’t work well together, the person going through divorce has a calendar full of appointments that will produce lots of advice, but what if the advice doesn’t fit together?

When I showed Bob the map of Spiritual Geography, he knew he’d found a big missing piece to a comprehensive, purpose-driven, proactive, healing solution. Last week, the two of us sat down and laid out all the components of a total divorce healing plan from taking care of yourself, to building a community of support, to finding new and more effective ways to communicate with your children and your ex. The healing plan includes the rich self discovery that comes through traveling through Spiritual Geography. It also includes mental health, education, and how to work with the legal system. Each component is connected and interrelated. The individual has a plan, not a fistful of individual prescriptions.

The most important thing is that this healing plan transforms the divorce experience from a battleground into a search for meaning and purpose. Remember Viktor Frankl’s famous 1946 book, "Man’s Search for Meaning?" If Viktor Frankl could find meaning in the worst humanity can do, surely we can follow his profound example and dive deep into the trauma of separation, loss, and divorce and cull every painful step for deeper meaning. The primary question of divorce can stop being, “What can I win?” and become “What can my heart and soul learn here?” If that question resonates at all with you, you have already taken the first stop to discovering the meaning and purpose of your divorce.

So, can you have an “On Purpose” divorce? Yes, you not only can, you must. Because the truth is all divorces are purpose-driven. It’s just that some purposes are hate or destruction or revenge. The consequences of those purposes are bleak. We all know wounded souls who never really recover from those anger-driven divorces, especially children. So what could happen if you set the intention to explore your soul, heal your heart, and forge deeper and more meaningful relationships with your children, your community, and yes, even a different and more effective relationship with your ex-spouse?

That’s a question Dr. Evans and I would love to help you explore. We are hosting a 75 minute webinar on Thursday May 15th at 8pm eastern to introduce the On Purpose Divorce© healing plan. If you, or anyone you know, is going through or trying to heal from a separation or divorce, please join us. You can read the flyer and register at Dr Evan’s website, acenterforhumanpotential. The flyer is at {url http://acenterforhumanpotential.com/MayWebinar.htm(/url}. The fee is $19.95. If you’d like to know more, send me an email, janetconner@tampabay.rr.com.

When I found a purpose in my divorce, everything changed. I can now look back and see that this experience, the worst thing that ever happened to me, held many rich gifts, gifts that stirred my soul, healed my heart, and set me on a new and more joyful path. That's the power of purpose.


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Janet Conner’s new book, Writing Down Your Soul: How to Activate and Listen to the Extraordinary Voice Within,comes out this December from Conari Press. WritingDownYour Soul Janet also created Spiritual Geography, the deep soul writing system that heals the broken heart. Spiritual Geography workbooks are available through Amazon or Spiritual Geography. She teaches On Purpose Divorce webinars with Dr Robert A Evans at ACenterforHumanPotential
Reach Janet at janetconner@tampabay.rr.com.© copyright 2008 by Janet Conner




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