What would you change if you had the power? Would it be world peace? Would you wish for everyone who was starving in the world to have an enough to eat? Would you want everyone to live in a free and safe environment?
Maybe your wishes would be closer to home. Perhaps you want a son or a daughter to do better in school, or to live in a safer neighborhood. Possibly there is a family member that is sick and needs constant care.
A friend recently related to me a circumstance that involved his family. His sister and brother-in-law had suffered the loss of a daughter due to what they interpret as a murder, yet the person who caused the death has been allowed to escape consequences. His sister’s family has spent thousands of dollars on private detectives trying to gather evidence that would convict the perpetrator. They are seeking what they term as “justice” for their daughter.
My friend says that the relationship with his sister has become toxic for him and strained because for many months now his sister has kept him on the phone for hours talking about the latest developments in the case. It’s not that he has no interest or sympathy for his family members, but he does desire that they have a relationship based on more than this tragic incident.
Finally in desperation he gifted a book to her which helps explain God’s role in tragic events here on earth. He did it with some trepidation, fearing that he had overstepped his boundaries. But he also did it with love, in the hope that his sister could move out of the anger stage in her processing of grief. I am glad to say it was well received and their relationship is now on firmer ground.
It struck me that the change came first in him. By refusing to be caught up in the chaos and taking positive though risky action he was able to mend his relationship. He was able to help his sister understand and begin the process of forgiveness.
Another friend who has been keeping me informed of his marriage woes, related how his marriage has changed in the last few months. A marriage counselor gave him some advice when he was trying to decide whether to file for divorce. He had told the counselor he could not make up his mind what was the right thing to do. The counselor said, “Go home and for the next three months do everything your wife expects from you. Do everything you think will make her happy. Put her first in your relationship no matter what the cost. Then after three months come back here and tell me how it went. You will either be convinced that you can not live with her or your relationship will have changed.”
My friend did just as he was instructed and over a period of three months things did change. At first he did what was expected begrudgingly. He felt used. But over a short amount of time he began to see the joy in his wife’s face. Then she began to act differently toward him, becoming less demanding and controlling. She began to notice all the little things he did and thank him for his effort. She also began to do things for him without his asking. They both began to look for ways they could help each other.
My point is in both of these examples the change came first from within one person. One person had to change their heart and actions before the other changed. So many times in relationships we look for the other person to change before we are willing to change ourselves. We have the attitude, “If they will only change then I will treat them differently.”
If we want to change someone else, the place to start is within our own heart. This does not apply just to one on one relationships. It applies to the world. If we want true peace in the world then we have to begin by changing our own heart.