Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 9:09pm
How do you and I become us?
Column: Love, God and Sex
After reading and writing about the pair of Buddhist teachers who are never more than 15 feet away from one another, I started to think about what are the key ingredients to a lasting relationship. For most American couples, living in such close proximity 24 hours a day seven days a week is highly impractical. I don’t know whether most American couples can live at the level of acceptance and forgiveness that this kind of continuous proximity requires.
In the 1950s and ‘60s, it was assumed that you’d grow up, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Even now, weddings are a big deal, as the trailer for the new Sex in the City movie illustrates. The trailer shows Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker’s character) in a big pouffy white gown and veil, although as anyone who’s watched the series knows, Carrie is hardly a virgin. Marriage is considered such a special arrangement that gay people are fighting for the right to have its status bestowed on their unions.
So if getting married is still a big deal, why do half of all marriages end in divorce? What makes “you” and “me” into an “us”? How do separate goals and interests merge to create a life that helps each partner become bigger and better people than they are individually?
I asked Larry these questions. Since we’ve been together 26 years (and I’m his fourth wife and he’s my second husband), we’ve both had some experience in the art of creating an “us”. We started compiling a list which we’re still adding to. Listed below are some of our initial ideas.
1. A preference for being interested rather than interesting: Being interesting puts the focus on the self. Being interested puts the focus on the other. Larry and I are interested in each other’s lives. Being interested leads to point two
2. Meaningful conversations
3. Enthusiasm
4. Wanting the best for the other
5. A preference for being happy rather than right
6. Acceptance
7. Trust
8. Shared spiritual values
9. Patience
10. Honesty
11. A belief in a benevolent God
12. Giving what we want to receive
13. Staying physically fit
14. Loving each other’s body
I will be expanding on these themes in my postings during the next few weeks.
In the 1950s and ‘60s, it was assumed that you’d grow up, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Even now, weddings are a big deal, as the trailer for the new Sex in the City movie illustrates. The trailer shows Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker’s character) in a big pouffy white gown and veil, although as anyone who’s watched the series knows, Carrie is hardly a virgin. Marriage is considered such a special arrangement that gay people are fighting for the right to have its status bestowed on their unions.
So if getting married is still a big deal, why do half of all marriages end in divorce? What makes “you” and “me” into an “us”? How do separate goals and interests merge to create a life that helps each partner become bigger and better people than they are individually?
I asked Larry these questions. Since we’ve been together 26 years (and I’m his fourth wife and he’s my second husband), we’ve both had some experience in the art of creating an “us”. We started compiling a list which we’re still adding to. Listed below are some of our initial ideas.
1. A preference for being interested rather than interesting: Being interesting puts the focus on the self. Being interested puts the focus on the other. Larry and I are interested in each other’s lives. Being interested leads to point two
2. Meaningful conversations
3. Enthusiasm
4. Wanting the best for the other
5. A preference for being happy rather than right
6. Acceptance
7. Trust
8. Shared spiritual values
9. Patience
10. Honesty
11. A belief in a benevolent God
12. Giving what we want to receive
13. Staying physically fit
14. Loving each other’s body
I will be expanding on these themes in my postings during the next few weeks.