In a 2007 MTV poll 1,280 young people aged 13-14 were asked what makes them happy. The top three responses were being with family, being with friends, and being with spouses or mates. Money was number 20 on the list of 46 items. Nearly half the respondents said that relationships in their lives brought them the most happiness.

It’s so interesting to hear that most young people said being with family made them happy. When I was that age, my family life was filled with turmoil. Uncontrollable rage alternated with periods of great melancholy. Sometimes there was peace and there was tremendous loyalty. I probably would have put my friends first.

For people to stay in a relationship, they need to learn how to be friends. Friends, good friends, love unconditionally; they don’t demand, they don’t control, they don’t judge, they don’t have an agenda. They do want only the best for you. They will listen and hear. They will be truly helpful, which means praying for God to tell them what form helpfulness takes. Friends are easy; they are always connected even if you’ve been apart for some time.

My theory is that once people have sex, the whole nature of their relationship changes. Last year there was a study about FBs (friends with whom you have sex) that found that sexual friendships created a lot of tension in the relationship. The biggest fear is that one person would fall in love with the other. The idea here is that once you’ve had sex, it’s hard to go back to being just friends. But that’s where the focus has to be.
Friends are equal.
Friends respect each other’s moods.
Friends forgive.
Friends don’t intentionally hurt each other’s feelings.

I bring all this up because of the TV show Swingtown. The show is a fictional account of the swinging 70s. The show’s creator has said that it’s based on observing his parents behavior when he was growing up in a Chicago suburb. The show revolves around the lives of three married couples who are experimenting with alternative lifestyles. The couples can be described as belonging to one of these three categories: the pros, the novice experimenters, and the prudes.

I’ve watched the show three times and still perceive it as lacking any depth of character. The show’s only saving grace, so far, is that the three main couple’s are depicted as liking their respective spouses. They are honest with their mates; they discuss what they can and cannot do; they set boundaries; they each let the other know when something bothers them. They treat each other as friends.

By my criteria, all of these fictional marriages should carry longevity, but I remember the 1970s. Divorce rates began climbing and continued climbing until the late 1980s. Swingtown’s creator is being idealistic in his depiction about how easily the boomers handled swinging. Perhaps later episodes will be more reflective of reality.

While I am a serious proponent of long-term monogamous relationships as a path to spiritual wholeness, I don’t think that everyone is destined to stay in a long-term relationship. Besides that, we all know, the nature of relationships is changing. Young people are getting married later; diverse lifestyles (same sex, older/younger, younger/older, polyandry, and FBs) are more acceptable. More and more people are content living on their own.

Whatever relationship style you’re choosing, make sure your friends with whomever you’re going to share your bed. Tell this person what you admire about him or her, what they do that inspires you, how much they matter in your life, and how grateful you are for their presence. All your relationships will get better, and you’ll be happier.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky