In studying Marshall Rosenberg’s process of non-violent communication the past few weeks, I’ve come to see how violence is a reflexive response. From the verbal abuse I give myself when I perceive that I’ve screwed up in some way—“you idiot” or “stupid”—to the rage that comes up in me when I perceive injustice.

In intimate relationships, violence can take subtle forms. Anger, sarcasm, indifference, judgments, and criticism are violent behaviors. What makes them violent is that they do not allow for an honest expression of feelings and need. As Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of the Center for Non-violent Communication, says, anger, sarcasm, judgment and criticism do not nurture what’s alive in us. When people are not allowed to express there authentic feelings and needs (what’s alive in them), they disconnect from those feelings and needs and become angry and defensive.

Anger and defensiveness are adaptive responses that will save your life when you perceive you’ve been attacked. These responses are built into the nervous system. However, anger and defensiveness can destroy intimate relationships. This isn’t true for all relationships. Some couples have a relationship model that says “love is war.” Psychologist Robert Sternberg says that as long as two people share the same model of a relationship, the relationship will last. Do you know any couples who thrive on fighting? For some couples, fighting is just the way they express their passion. Some of the ways couples express their emotions are cultural. Marianne Williamson, who grew up in a Jewish household, used to say that Jews bitch as a form of endearment. Having grown up in a vocal Jewish household, I understand what she’s talking about.

But for couples who find expressions of anger, sarcasm, judgment or indifference painful in any way, Rosenberg’s process can help them find the love and connection they really crave. The process requires time. It involves empathic listening. To listen empathically means to listen without any evaluation. And what you’re listening for are your partner’s feelings and needs. Rosenberg says that all anger comes from an inability to clearly express feelings and needs.

One thing that becomes clear in studying Rosenberg’s work is that we’re not taught language skills that help facilitate understanding. As a society, we’re not taught that the reason we get angry with others is because our own needs aren’t being met. And because we’re not taught how to express our needs, we blame others for causing us to be angry.

As I said earlier, the process of connecting to real feelings and needs can take time. Just the process of being able to identify specific behaviors that upset you can take time. When asked why someone is upset, the common response is, “I’m upset because they (or you) _________________. Then fill in the blank. What does taking this kind of defense stance do to an interaction? It immediately puts the other person on the defensive.

With Rosenberg’s process an angry exchange would be avoided by the steps:
1. What is the specific behavior that triggers upset?
2. How does that behavior make you feel?
3. What do you need?
4. What is your request?

An example in a relationship is the following: The husband comes home from work and goes to his den and wants to be alone. His wife would like him to give her a hug and a kiss when he gets home. She gets angry because she perceives that he’s dismissing her. She comes out with remarks like: “You don’t love me. You never hug or kiss me” and on and on. The husband gets defensive. He believes he has to justify his behavior. He thinks that she’s not giving him his space and he needs his space when he comes home from work. They bicker and then the each resort to stonewalling.

How would the exchange differ if the wife expresses herself this way:

“When you come home from work and go straight to your den, I feel distant from you because I need to know that we’re connected. Could you please acknowledge my presence in some way and then go to your den?”

As Rosenberg says, we’re more likely to get our needs met when we let others know what they are. Anger prompts defense which prompts more anger and more defensiveness.

To have a long-term relationship that allows each partner to grow into the fullness of his or her Being, a couple needs as many tools as it can get. Rosenberg’s method of expressing our needs instead of anger is one of the best tools I’ve found.


Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky