Sometimes people define honesty as saying exactly what they think. Telling the truth means that you say what you’re thinking no matter whether it hurts someone else or not. Telling the truth about what you think about someone else may seem like an honorable thing. It may be motivated by a need to “honestly” get something off your chest. It may also be motivated by a desire to “honestly” improve someone else.

Larry likes to buy clothes in thrift shops. And there was a time that he liked to wear loud colors. One day he came home from a shopping trip with a bright red sport jacket. He put it on and modeled it proudly for me as he asked, “What do you think?” I honestly told him the truth: “You look like an old-fashioned usher in a movie theater.

By telling the truth, I hurt Larry’s feelings. I didn’t know that being a movie theater usher was one of Larry’s first jobs. As an usher, he sported a bright red jacket with the theater chain’s logo embroidered on the pocket. As an usher, he had authority: he could roust unruly adolescence from their seats. He also got to watch the latest movies for free – and he got paid! Larry had very fond memories of being an usher. My “truth-telling” diminished the esteem with which he held himself for having had such an important job at such a young age.

My favorite definition of honesty is in A Course in Miracles. The Course defines honesty as “consistency.” The Course expands this definition by adding “there is nothing you say that contradicts what you think or do; no thought opposes any other thought; no act belies your word; and no word lacks agreement with another.” In other words, there’s an absence of conflict. But the Course goes deeper: honesty really means being connected to the Self – the Higher or Spiritual Self. This Self is truly loving because this Self is at one with God. To be truly honest is to know that you are a Child of God. With that knowledge, peace guides every interaction with another human being.

Aligned with A Course in Miracles definition of honesty is the Non-Violent Communication Center’s use of the term “to express what’s alive in you.” When you are expressing “what’s alive in you,” you are connected to the Flow of Live that moves in and through you. Another way to say the same thing is that when you’re truly honest, you’re heart, mind, body and soul are in harmony. When they are in harmony, you have more and more life force energy, or chi, available to you. The purpose of any interaction shifts to creating union. You want to love another as yourself because you know the other is a part of the greater Self that is your Spirit. Why would you want to hurt a part of yourself?

In looking back on my put down of Larry’s prized acquisition, I admit that I wasn’t being loving. I was being a shallow snob. My fashion sense (my head not my heart) told me that if Larry ever wore a red jacket to social function that people would make fun of him; even worse, they’d make fun of me for being married to someone who would wear a red sport jacket to a social function. My honesty was really a judgment based on “what would people think” thinking.

The sports jacket incident happened many, many years ago. At the time, when I learned how much the red jacket meant to him, I felt guilty and I apologized. Larry forgave me, but he brooded for a couple of days first. If the incident happened today, I’d handle it much differently.

Firstly I’d recognize that my reaction to the sports jacket was judgmental and that my judgment wasn’t “right.” My judgment was based on my own ideas of what was socially acceptable and had nothing to do with truth or honesty. Secondly I’d focus on my heart and identify what I was feeling about the jacket. Then I would connect my feeling to a need. Of course, I pray that I’ve arrived at a point where I wouldn’t care what Larry chose to wear because I’ve given up my need for social acceptance. However, there may be occasions when wearing a red sports jacket may not be appropriate, like black tie dinners. At those times, I would use the non-violent communication process and say something like: “I would prefer that you did not wear that jacket for the black tie dinner because I would feel uncomfortable. I would feel uncomfortable because, at this particular dinner, I need approval from the people who will be there. Thank you for listening!”

This situation has not come up. I have yet to be invited to a black-tie dinner. But if it did, I’m trusting that by my being truly honest, Larry and I would have a great time when we went.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky