I showed a couple of video clips this week in the Personal Adjustment class that I teach about what men and women think about sex. The men in the clips ranged in age from the early 20s to about 60. Some of their comments were: “Good sex can make or break a relationship.” “Sex is part of your personality” “If you’re compatible sexually, you’ll be compatible in other ways.” One man spoke about how powerful he felt when he had an erection. Another man said that sex was the dominant force in his life.

The women, who were all in their early 20s, spoke about the importance of communication in sex. Some of their comments were: “He has to tell me what he wants,” “He has to tell me I’m beautiful and desirable,” “He has to listen to me.” “He has to share things with me.” “I want him to tell me how much he wants me, how sexy I am – things like that.”

The clips upheld the stereotype that men want sex only for sex and women want sex for intimacy.

More and more psychology research is supporting a similar stereotype. That stereotype is that men prize physical appearance in women and women prize financial security in men. The evidence to support these stereotypes is coming from the recent research on speed dating. Men rate the attractive women as most desirable, whereas women rate the men who are intelligent and ambitious as most desirable. From an evolutionary perspective, men are driven to spread their seed. That is why men are more promiscuous than women. The women they are most attracted to are women who appear to be healthy. Physical appearance is seen to be an indicator of health. To women, status is the most important characteristic in a mate. Women want a mate who can support and protect them and their children. Ambition and intelligence are linked to success in life and success translates to security.

I often joke in my classes about what really goes on in bars or parties or wherever men and women go to meet. A man walks into the room and scopes out likely candidates to hook up with, noting whether each woman he sees is a “good breeder.” When a woman walks into the room, she scans the male prospects noting whether each man she sees is a “good provider.”

I also tell my classes that sex is nature’s way of making people reproduce. Would people do it if it didn’t feel good?

But the question for me is how much of what we call love is just biology. To neuroscientists, love is a combination of adrenaline (for drive), dopamine (the addictive force) and oxytocin (the cuddle hormone). The combined hormones account for the excitement, obsession, and caring that occur in a loving relationship.

The only problem is that the lives of the first two hormones (adrenaline and dopamine) are short-lived. They last no longer than four years. Long-term relationships are driven by oxytocin. The psychological equivalent is what Psychologist Robert Sternberg calls “companionate love.” Companionate love, in Sternberg’s model, is made up of intimacy and commitment. Couples who are genuine friends and companions are more likely to forge a life together even after the passion (adrenaline and dopamine) have faded. Sex in companionate relationships can be just as good if not better then adrenaline driven sex. Because couples know each other better, they are more skilled at pleasing each other.

But if couples define being in love as passion, then the relationship will end when the passion ends.

I have a suggestion for party/bar goers who are looking for a long term love relationship. Women, consciously ask yourself who among the men will make a good friend. Men, ask yourself the same thing, what kind of woman do I want; who will make the best companion for me.

A companion isn’t necessarily the most perfect looking person in the room. A companion isn’t necessarily the richest person in the room. A companion is someone who is willing to put up with your messiness. Think about it: Living with someone 24/7, you have to see each other’s dirty laundry, if not actual dirty laundry, then psychological dirty laundry. Human beings are not perfect. Loving each other’s imperfection is the blessing marriage offers.

Human beings can rise above biology. Listen with your heart and head as well as your hormones and you will be rewarded with a happy, intimate, long-term committed relationship.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky