It seems that when it comes to sex, we’re more guided by the brain’s older, survival-oriented brain centers than we like to think. But arousal sets off a cascade of biological processes that operate outside of awareness. When people are aroused, they sweat. Human sweat carries androsterone, a type of pheromone. Pheromones are the hormones that most species secrete to attract mates.

Arousal also releases dopamine. Dopamine is the brain’s pleasure chemical. It activates the brain’s pleasure pathways. This activation leads to an increasingly heightened pleasure response. As much as 10% of the brain’s sensory processing receptors for touch are linked to the lips. When people kiss, it’s as though 10% of their bodies are being stimulated. Kissing increases arousal. Touch receptors all over the body become more sensitive. More blood is sent to the surface of the skin. The skin gets hotter.
The hotter the skin, the more sensitive and the more aroused, and on and on until nirvana is reached.

And yet for many, many people nirvana is meaningless term because ecstasy is experienced more as “is that all there is.”

How many people do you know wake up in the morning next to someone they hardly know; and instead of feeling the soothing sensation of after glow, they gag with the sense of repulsion?

Why, in America, do people have a love/hate relationship with sexuality? Why are mixed messages the norm: Sex is ecstasy/Sex is sin. Through sex you create life/Through sex you contract disease. You have to look and dress hot/But you have to wait until you’re married.

I’m not against sexual exploration. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, pursuit of pleasure for its own sake is part of the adventure of life. To suppress or deny drives, as Freud discovered, damages the psyche. Of course the problem with sexual expression is that it can be hurtful as well as healing. Wendy Maltz’s hierarchy of sexual interaction depicts this brilliantly. In Maltz’s model, sexual energy is equal to zero, or a neutral center point. From the zero point, sexual energy can be used positively; taking people to increasing experiences of divine ecstasy, or sexual energy can be used negatively; taking people down to the depths of cruelty and degradation.

I read this week that Facebook and other social networking web sites are getting more traffic than porn sites. The number of users of porn sites has shrunk from 20% to 10%. I find it interesting that this drop in porn visits coincides with an increase in “male enhancer” messages. Could it be that our escalating standards for financial and professional success are putting a damper on libido? About a year ago, I read that young people are going out on work dates. They’ll have dinner at home, then open their laptops and work side by side; then they’ll retire to the bedroom. It seems to me that worrying about whether your client is happy or making an impending deadline can put a damper on sexual spontaneity.

The reason I write about relationships, love, sex and God is because I love writing about Love. As Osho says, “Love is God,” reversing Jesus’ declaration that “God is Love.” In the words of Elton John, “Love is the opening door. Love is what we came here for. Do you know what I mean? Have your eyes really seen?”

To me, the simplest expression of love is found in the oath that doctors take: “First do no harm.” As A Course in Miracles says, every encounter is a holy encounter. How does that play out in relationships, intimacy and sex? Simple: treat anyone with whom you’re going to be intimate with kindness and appreciation. Before bedding anyone, ask yourself the following questions: Do I like this person? Do I want to contribute to making this person’s life better, or do I want to deplete this person of energy in order to prove my own power? Do I want to be open and adventurous and have this person share this adventure with me, or do I only want a mechanical experience?

When your motive for having sex is to contribute to making another person’s life better, then your heart will be open. When your heart is open, you’re harmless, and harmless sex is sex that’s fun, easy, and really, really satisfying.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky