Thursday, October 2, 2008 at 6:06pm
Soccer Mom from Hell
Column: A Heretic in Babylon
Soccer Mom from Hell
Richard Hooper
A Heretic in Babylon
Well, I’m finally back, after giving the world a two month respite from my drivel. I had to come back, considering that John McCain chose—ohmygod—Sarah Palin as a running mate. This is not a political column, of course, but John McCain has blurred the lines between politics and religion by taking on a Christian fundamentalist as his running mate. Now McCain’s campaign is a religious issue, not just a political one. WHAT WAS THIS MAN THINKING? Of course, that question is easily answered: McCain wants the votes of every last right wing nut case in America. So, I’m sorry John, but this is war! This is jihad!!!
Just when I was thinking that no catastrophe could even be worse for our nation than eight years of George W. Bush. Boy was I wrong. If Sarah Palin gets elected Vice President of the United States, it would be a greater American disaster than Ike, Katrina, the war in Iraq, Al Qaeda and 9/11 all rolled up together. Basically, it would be the end of the world!
Consider just this one scenario: McCain/Palin get elected. John McCain, being no spring rooster, drops dead during his first term. All of a sudden we have a born-again, gun totin,’ war lovin’ homophobic kid breeder who kills moose and wolves for fun and, unbelievably, is ten times dumber than W! And I didn’t even know that was possible.
Should this happen, God forbid, the religious right would finally take control of America, just like it’s been trying to do for decades. For then we would have a bimbo (sorry, ladies, but really, she is) with her well manicured finger on the nuclear trigger! Authors of political thrillers couldn’t have come up with a more devastating plot. Think about it; our nation’s leaders would be people who actually believe there was a real Adam and Eve, and that the earth is only 6,000 years old!
If Palin were to take over, the United States would instantly become a rouge nation; the world’s loosest cannon. Even as they are dying of radiation poisoning, the media will ask President Palin the big question: “Why? Why did you fire the missiles?” And Palin would reply something like, “Well, first of all, we have too many missiles to begin with. We should get rid of some of them, don’t you think? But what really happened was that one day I’m looking at this black box thingy my people carry along with us every place we go, and I’m thinking, like, what’s it for? So I open it up, see a couple of red buttons, and push them just to see what would happen. Oops. Oh my. Sorry about that. But, come on, everyone makes a mistake now and then. As President, however, I learn from my mistakes. And this has been a real learning experience for me, I can tell you that.”
So the end of the story is . . . Christian fundamentalists finally get their wish: Armageddon. Here come de Judge. Hallelujah, hallelujah, we all goin’ to a better place.
By now you’re all thinking, “Come on, Richard, where’s your compassion? Where’s your unconditional love?” And I’m saying to you, “I do love Sarah Palin unconditionally. I just want to love her in Alaska, not in Washington D.C. And I’m also thinking of the Palin kids when I say this. Even Dr. Laura would have to agree with me that Sarah Palin’s first job in life is to be a mommy. And when job and family conflict, family should take precedence.
And, anyway, compassion comes in many forms. For instance, sometimes compassion requires that we end an animal’s suffering by putting it to sleep. And sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do for a loved one who is brain dead (which is the case here), is to disconnect the life support system.
In the RSV (Richard Standard Version) of the Bible, Jesus says “Love your enemies, do good to those who spitefully use you. Just don’t vote for them. And if someone strikes you on your left cheek, turn to him the other as well. But I also say unto you, ‘if necessary, kick your enemy in the nuts, and run like hell.’”
But seriously, folks, we’ve got a problem here, and only four weeks to solve. Thus, we must call upon the Force to be with us in this time of great travail. We must summon the Jedi warriors. We must call down the Angels of Light to do battle against the Angels of Darkness. For we have seen Christmas future, and it is not a pretty sight. But as Ebenezer Scrooge discovered, it is only one of many possible futures. There is still time to ensure that this future doesn’t come about. It’s Christmas day, and we damn well better buy a turkey for the sake of Tiny Tim.
Thus, I must ask something from you. And I’ve never asked anything of you before. If you believe in the power of prayer—and even if you don’t—then please pray like you’ve never prayed before—pray 24/7 over the next four weeks. Get an electric Tibetan prayer wheel to speed up the process, if necessary. Hang a thousand prayer flags. Call the Pope. Whatever. Just petition the Almighty like never before.
But let’s be clear: I’m not asking you to pray against anyone—not even Sarah Palin—I am just asking that you to pray for love, peace, justice and a Jedi warrior in the White House.
If you are a Republican, friends—I want you to know that I love all of you. Oh yes, for God loves even the greatest sinner when he or she repents. Amazing Grace! I love you so much, right-wing brothers and sisters, that I have come here to heal you! Heal you of your arrogance, your pride, and your evil ways. Sweet Jesus! I want to open your eyes—oh yes, Lord—so that you can see the light of Truth! Oh yes, sweet Jesus, I call upon you now to heal these troubled souls. Praise God! Have mercy.
So, I want you to have a humble heart, and then get down on all fours and just crawl right on up here to the altar of God with tears of humility in your eyes. Oh yes! Glory Hallelujah! Yes, brothers and sisters, God will forgive of your sins if you only repent and cast your vote for the other guy. Say Hallelujah! Surrender to Him! Lord have mercy! Yes, brothers and sisters, God is merciful. Praise Jesus! Come to the alter. Let me heal you. Here is a pen. Sign your name on this form to re-register your party affiliation. Oh yes, though I walk through the valley of evil, the Force is with me.
Now here’s something interesting: You know how the media always reports that John McCain has a ranch in Sedona, Arizona? I’m here to tell you that that just ain’t so. I ought to know because I live in Sedona. And John McCain doesn’t. McCain’s ranch is actually twenty-five minutes west of me in the town of (are you ready for this?) Cornville! I’m not kidding; Corrrrnville!
But here’s something even more interesting: This here is breaking news. As I am writing these words, I have just learned from a usually reliable source (my wife) that at this very moment in time, Sarah Palin herself is holed up at McCain’s ranch in CORNVILLE; being programmed for tomorrow night’s debate. She’s just a few minuets away . . . from me.
Ohmygod! What are the odds? What should I do? Has God given me a mission? What’s the message here? Does the Almighty want me to pray even harder than I already am, or is He calling me to take out my Sarah Palin Voodoo doll and stick it? I mean, this kind of proximity presents a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do something, for God’s sake.
I have prayed on this situation long and hard, brothers and sisters, and I am now convinced that God wants me to save our great nation from Soccer Mom from Hell. Maybe, just by the act of writing these words, I will have convinced to vote against Sarah Palin four weeks from now, and maybe your single vote will make all the difference. On the other hand, just to be sure, I should probably behead my Sarah doll. Oops, forgot; didn’t come with a head.
This column was approved and paid for by Yours truly
Richard Hooper
A Heretic in Babylon
Well, I’m finally back, after giving the world a two month respite from my drivel. I had to come back, considering that John McCain chose—ohmygod—Sarah Palin as a running mate. This is not a political column, of course, but John McCain has blurred the lines between politics and religion by taking on a Christian fundamentalist as his running mate. Now McCain’s campaign is a religious issue, not just a political one. WHAT WAS THIS MAN THINKING? Of course, that question is easily answered: McCain wants the votes of every last right wing nut case in America. So, I’m sorry John, but this is war! This is jihad!!!
Just when I was thinking that no catastrophe could even be worse for our nation than eight years of George W. Bush. Boy was I wrong. If Sarah Palin gets elected Vice President of the United States, it would be a greater American disaster than Ike, Katrina, the war in Iraq, Al Qaeda and 9/11 all rolled up together. Basically, it would be the end of the world!
Consider just this one scenario: McCain/Palin get elected. John McCain, being no spring rooster, drops dead during his first term. All of a sudden we have a born-again, gun totin,’ war lovin’ homophobic kid breeder who kills moose and wolves for fun and, unbelievably, is ten times dumber than W! And I didn’t even know that was possible.
Should this happen, God forbid, the religious right would finally take control of America, just like it’s been trying to do for decades. For then we would have a bimbo (sorry, ladies, but really, she is) with her well manicured finger on the nuclear trigger! Authors of political thrillers couldn’t have come up with a more devastating plot. Think about it; our nation’s leaders would be people who actually believe there was a real Adam and Eve, and that the earth is only 6,000 years old!
If Palin were to take over, the United States would instantly become a rouge nation; the world’s loosest cannon. Even as they are dying of radiation poisoning, the media will ask President Palin the big question: “Why? Why did you fire the missiles?” And Palin would reply something like, “Well, first of all, we have too many missiles to begin with. We should get rid of some of them, don’t you think? But what really happened was that one day I’m looking at this black box thingy my people carry along with us every place we go, and I’m thinking, like, what’s it for? So I open it up, see a couple of red buttons, and push them just to see what would happen. Oops. Oh my. Sorry about that. But, come on, everyone makes a mistake now and then. As President, however, I learn from my mistakes. And this has been a real learning experience for me, I can tell you that.”
So the end of the story is . . . Christian fundamentalists finally get their wish: Armageddon. Here come de Judge. Hallelujah, hallelujah, we all goin’ to a better place.
By now you’re all thinking, “Come on, Richard, where’s your compassion? Where’s your unconditional love?” And I’m saying to you, “I do love Sarah Palin unconditionally. I just want to love her in Alaska, not in Washington D.C. And I’m also thinking of the Palin kids when I say this. Even Dr. Laura would have to agree with me that Sarah Palin’s first job in life is to be a mommy. And when job and family conflict, family should take precedence.
And, anyway, compassion comes in many forms. For instance, sometimes compassion requires that we end an animal’s suffering by putting it to sleep. And sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do for a loved one who is brain dead (which is the case here), is to disconnect the life support system.
In the RSV (Richard Standard Version) of the Bible, Jesus says “Love your enemies, do good to those who spitefully use you. Just don’t vote for them. And if someone strikes you on your left cheek, turn to him the other as well. But I also say unto you, ‘if necessary, kick your enemy in the nuts, and run like hell.’”
But seriously, folks, we’ve got a problem here, and only four weeks to solve. Thus, we must call upon the Force to be with us in this time of great travail. We must summon the Jedi warriors. We must call down the Angels of Light to do battle against the Angels of Darkness. For we have seen Christmas future, and it is not a pretty sight. But as Ebenezer Scrooge discovered, it is only one of many possible futures. There is still time to ensure that this future doesn’t come about. It’s Christmas day, and we damn well better buy a turkey for the sake of Tiny Tim.
Thus, I must ask something from you. And I’ve never asked anything of you before. If you believe in the power of prayer—and even if you don’t—then please pray like you’ve never prayed before—pray 24/7 over the next four weeks. Get an electric Tibetan prayer wheel to speed up the process, if necessary. Hang a thousand prayer flags. Call the Pope. Whatever. Just petition the Almighty like never before.
But let’s be clear: I’m not asking you to pray against anyone—not even Sarah Palin—I am just asking that you to pray for love, peace, justice and a Jedi warrior in the White House.
If you are a Republican, friends—I want you to know that I love all of you. Oh yes, for God loves even the greatest sinner when he or she repents. Amazing Grace! I love you so much, right-wing brothers and sisters, that I have come here to heal you! Heal you of your arrogance, your pride, and your evil ways. Sweet Jesus! I want to open your eyes—oh yes, Lord—so that you can see the light of Truth! Oh yes, sweet Jesus, I call upon you now to heal these troubled souls. Praise God! Have mercy.
So, I want you to have a humble heart, and then get down on all fours and just crawl right on up here to the altar of God with tears of humility in your eyes. Oh yes! Glory Hallelujah! Yes, brothers and sisters, God will forgive of your sins if you only repent and cast your vote for the other guy. Say Hallelujah! Surrender to Him! Lord have mercy! Yes, brothers and sisters, God is merciful. Praise Jesus! Come to the alter. Let me heal you. Here is a pen. Sign your name on this form to re-register your party affiliation. Oh yes, though I walk through the valley of evil, the Force is with me.
Now here’s something interesting: You know how the media always reports that John McCain has a ranch in Sedona, Arizona? I’m here to tell you that that just ain’t so. I ought to know because I live in Sedona. And John McCain doesn’t. McCain’s ranch is actually twenty-five minutes west of me in the town of (are you ready for this?) Cornville! I’m not kidding; Corrrrnville!
But here’s something even more interesting: This here is breaking news. As I am writing these words, I have just learned from a usually reliable source (my wife) that at this very moment in time, Sarah Palin herself is holed up at McCain’s ranch in CORNVILLE; being programmed for tomorrow night’s debate. She’s just a few minuets away . . . from me.
Ohmygod! What are the odds? What should I do? Has God given me a mission? What’s the message here? Does the Almighty want me to pray even harder than I already am, or is He calling me to take out my Sarah Palin Voodoo doll and stick it? I mean, this kind of proximity presents a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do something, for God’s sake.
I have prayed on this situation long and hard, brothers and sisters, and I am now convinced that God wants me to save our great nation from Soccer Mom from Hell. Maybe, just by the act of writing these words, I will have convinced to vote against Sarah Palin four weeks from now, and maybe your single vote will make all the difference. On the other hand, just to be sure, I should probably behead my Sarah doll. Oops, forgot; didn’t come with a head.
This column was approved and paid for by Yours truly