One of the themes I often write about is that "why" you’re having sex is more important than "how" you’re doing it. Our society has no dearth of information about the “how.” It’s the “why” that we don’t hear enough about.

One of the best ways I’ve found to frame the “why” of sex is in Wendy Maltz’s Hierarchy of Sexual Interaction. Maltz’s model brilliantly depicts the two directions sex can go in: Sex can take you to the heights of ecstasy or to the pits of despair. What makes the difference is purpose. If your purpose is to enrich and nurture your partner, then you’ll be going in the direction of ecstasy. If your purpose is only to satisfy your own needs, or to boost your self-esteem, then you’re heading toward despair.

In Maltz’s Hierarchy, the highest level of sexual interaction is Authentic Sexual Intimacy. She defines Authentic Sexual Intimacy as a spiritual connection. One of its characteristics is heart-to-heart emotional connection.

Heart to heart sex is different than genital sex. The primary difference is that heart to heart sex is more fulfilling. Heart to heart sex does not require genital sex. Let’s face it, genital sex ends at orgasm. The effects of heart to heart sex never end.

One of best ways of experiencing heart to heart sex is through the power of touch. Who doesn’t like a good massage? Underneath the skin are thousands and thousands sense receptors. As Rachel Naomi Remen, the noted medical oncologist says, a mother’s touch tells an infant to live.

I am fortunate to be married to someone who has very sensitive hands. Larry is a painter and a healer. When he paints figures, it’s almost as though he’s brailing their bodies. He feels their outlines, curves and crevices, even though he’s sitting at least 15 feet away. The result is that his paintings are sensual, in that they communicate kinesthetically as well as visually.

As a healer, Larry’s hands transmit potent energy. When he lays his hands on me for the purpose of healing, his hands heat up like a burner on an electric stove; they emit that much radiant energy. The last “official” laying-on-of-hands healing he did for me was to cure my hair issues. My hair had become dry and wiry. The “hair healing” worked. Really. My hair is in much better condition than it has been in years.

Larry is a loving husband, in addition to being a painter and a healer. As a loving husband, he easily displays his affection. My theory about why he’s so comfortable displaying affection is that the primary goal of our relationship has been the deepening our spiritual connection.

These days the thrill I experience when Larry kisses and hugs me sends shivers down my spine. The image that comes to mind resembles one of Alex Grey’s multi-colored paintings of the human energy field. When Larry and I hug, I see us as intertwining energies rather than as bodies. I get the same rush that I would get if I had just finished a bottle of Red Bull, except there’s no crash. Even better, I can get the same rush just by thinking about Larry’s hugs.

Heart-to- heart sex doesn’t require sex, nor does it require contact. There’s a very moving passage in Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl was a concentration camp survivor who founded a school of psychology called Logotherapy. Frankl describes how thinking about his wife, even in the midst of the horrible concentration camp conditions, lifted his heart and gave him the strength to keep going. Frankl says: “Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.” He goes on to say that he “understood how a man who has nothing left in this world may still know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.”

Last week my friend Connie and I were talking, yet again, about how to save the world. Connie reminded me that the only gift I can offer the world is the gift of a loving heart. Heart-to-heart sex is the contemplation of the beloved that Victor Frankl describes in the passage above. Its practice creates the kind of love that will save the world.



Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky