In a July 2007 blog on the Huffingtonpost.com, Marianne Williamson defined the universe as “the ongoing evolutionary impulse to love.” Marianne explains that the universe is an ongoing process through which love eternally keeps extending and extending. Marianne goes on to say that our only “assignment is to learn how to actualize” the love that we are.

To me, the best way to actualize the love that we are is through relationships. Learning to love and be loved unconditionally in relationship is like boot camp. Think about; when two people decide to bond, they’ve chosen to open the door to one another’s quirks and foibles, and worse.
There was an episode on Sex in the City where Miranda’s boyfriend moved in with her. The boyfriend, she learned, had a habit that she could not tolerate. His habit was to leave the bathroom door open while he was doing his business. She thought this behavior was gross and disgusting. Of course she kept the door closed when she did her bathroom business and, of course, he thought there was something wrong with her.

She ended the relationship. Miranda believed that bathroom privacy was more important than deepening her relationship. Every person makes choices on the basis of what he or she values. But then seeking for love becomes more difficult because people aren’t examining whether their values are imprisoning them. In other words, being distressed by somebody else’s behavior has more to do with the reasons for the distress than with the actual behavior. And looking at the reasons for the distress is the way to achieve greater intimacy with anyone.

I have a close relationship to my sister. In the past, two of my sister’s behaviors made me crazy. Whenever she came to visit, she habitually left the cap off the toothpaste tube. Her other “sin” is that she ate with her hands. Being a student of spirituality, I knew the principle of “projection makes perception;” said another way, anything I see in someone else is some aspect of myself. But, of course, my form is cuter. Knowing that anything I see “out there” is nothing but my own thinking mirrored back to me, has made me begin to search for what it is in me that I am not consciously seeing.

The psychologist Harry Stack Sullivan developed a model of the psyche that I think helps explain why we can’t accept some of the core traits that make us human. Sullivan said that there are three aspects to the human psyche. He calls these aspects “good me,” “bad me,” and “not me.”
“Good me” is the cluster of behaviors that are the product of positive reinforcement. “Bad me” is the cluster of behaviors that are the product of punishment. “Bad me” is the “me” that was punished for misbehaving. “Not me” is the cluster of behaviors for which we experience guilt and shame. “Not me” is the stuff in us that we deny is in us, but that we easily see in other people.

The day I realized I shared my sisters “sins” was the day I accepted my own “not me.” My sister was visiting one year and in my mind I was ruminating about loose toothpaste tops. I also felt disgust because she would taste dip with her fingers or scoop out salad with her hands. In the midst of questioning my disgust for her behavior, I found myself tasting a chicken salad I was making with my fingers. My bad! The same weekend Larry railed me for not closing the mayonnaise jar tight enough. A light went off in my head: I was just like my sister – I ate with my hands and I didn’t tightly close jars.

Being with Larry for 26 years, I’ve had a chance to see many, many of his “not me’s.” Each time one surfaces, I ask myself what “not me” do I share with him. All human beings eat, pee and poop. All human beings have doubts, fears and worries. All human beings have quirks.

Larry Moffitt, the original editor of this web site once said to me, “World peace begins in the bedroom.” I’d modify Larry’s sentiment. I would say that world peace begins with a relationship. Marianne Williamson has also said that the universe is “teaching us the transformative power of love.” Learning to love another as yourself is a natural starting point for transforming yourself, your relationships and your world.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky