This morning, while channel surfing, I happened on a scene from the hit show Mad Men. One of the show’s main characters, the white-haired, perpetually tanned, Roger Sterling, was in bed lying in on his side propped up on his elbow. His unbuttoned shirt was half open exposing his bare chest. Sitting up next to him was a pretty, dark-haired young woman, who looked to be about half his age. They were talking about their future; the woman saying that she didn’t “just want to be a mistress” and he responded that he wanted to marry her. The scene captured the essence of intimacy: two people sharing a vision of their future together in an atmosphere of love and complete trust. Watching the scene, before I continued surfing, I thought about how one of the things that makes sex so much fun is the inroads to intimacy it provides. But just because two people have explored each other’s bodies, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve explored each other’s souls.

The movie Lost in Translation starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johanssen also depicted bedroom intimacy, but in a way that was devoid of sexual overtones. In the scene, Bill and Scarlett were in bed, lying side by side, looking up at the sealing. The only parts of their bodies that actually touched were there feet. Yet the connection they portrayed was as deep as if they had actually been making love.

Thanking about the two scenes makes me ask two questions: (1) Does sex lead to intimacy or does intimacy lead to sex? (2) What is intimacy?

The second question is really the most important. It’s easy to put into words, but I don’t think many people are aware of what it is. If they were, I believe that there would be more happy people walking around in the world than there currently are.

Intimacy is sharing an open heart. It’s a loss of psychic barriers that leaves the soul bare. Intimacy is an authentic experience of common humanity. Intimacy exposes vulnerability, as well as hopes and dreams. Intimacy is showing up on another’s path and having that experience change both of you.

I’ve experienced soul connection during sex, but also on the dance floor, with my seatmate on an airplane, working with a client, and while sitting in the dental chair.

One of the most intimate days of my life was spent with my dentist, Barry Segal. I was his only patient for seven hours while he prepped my mouth for bridges. The process involved removing seven teeth and filing down my other teeth to tiny points. My teeth looked like the photo of a Tazmanian Devil I saw on the HuffingonPost recently. The reason that the day was so intimate was that I spent the time just Being. For seven hours I spontaneously processed the experience. I cried, laughed, stretched, sang, winced, and complained. In other words, I expressed myself authentically. I often think that that day was one of the most healing I’ve ever had in that I felt free to express whatever was coming up in me.
A Course in Miracles tells us that we’re afraid to look within because what we’ll see is dark and dangerous. The idea is very Freudian. Freud believed that humans were ruled by an uncontrollable destructive force called the Id. The Course’s view of human nature is broader than Freud’s. The Course tells us that any darkness that we think lies within is only a shadow of the light that we are.

Intimacy is the acceptance of humanity. On the dance floor, intimacy is the shared exuberance of celebrating the flow of rhythm through the body. With a client, intimacy is feeling his or her feelings, whether they are good, bad or ugly, with complete understanding and acceptance and identifying with the need that underlies the feelings. In the stranger on the airplane scenario, there’s a phenomena called “the stranger phenomenon” that describes how people feel safe revealing personal information to strangers. It’s so interesting that people will feel safer talking to strangers on an airplane than they do to their own mates.

As far as answering the first question as to whether intimacy leads to sex or sex leads to intimacy, my answer is sometimes for both parts of the question. Intimacy can lead to sex, but not necessarily. Sex can lead to intimacy, but also, not necessarily. None of the scenarios I described above led to sex, but they led to deepening of human connection, which is my definition of intimacy. Sex doesn’t lead to intimacy when partners are using each other rather for their own pleasure rather than seeking to contribute to the betterment of the other’s life.

My sister, who works for Jewish Family Services, told me that she’s becoming aware of an increase in teen pregnancies. She said that the kids think nothing of having sex, and having babies. My sister’s observations are reflected in glaring headlines about Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears.

My suspicion about why this is happening is that as a society we’ve lost connection to one another. Intimacy has been replaced by superficiality. How many BFFs you have is more important than the quality of your Fs.

If today’s kids think that sex will bring them the experience of intimacy, they may be disappointed. Sex between individuals changes both of them. That change could be for the better or for worse. I would suggest to anyone contemplating having sex to ask themselves the question that the Kabbalah teaches: Am I doing this for myself alone or am I doing this for the betterment of all concerned, and the entire universe? The right answer will lead you to God.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky