Infidelity is an issue that has never been resolved. The positions many people take on this issue are not thoughtful, but to a great extent, emotionally charged.

Some recent studies have reported that infidelity among married couples was on the rise. Although more men than women reported having cheated, the percentage of women saying that they cheated has grown faster than that of men. The researchers didn’t know whether the data reflected a rapid rise in the number of women cheating or that more women were willing to admit that they had cheated.

The researchers noted that many people gave the reason for cheating as a desire for intimacy. Cell phones, texting, Blackberrys and social networking all make it easier for people to connect and stay connected even though they are not sharing the same physical proximity.

Every semester I tell a story in my Personal Adjustment classes. The story is about Frankie and Johnny, as in the old honky tonk song “Frankie and Johnny were Lovers” (and the Al Pacino/Michelle Pfeiffer movie of the same title). In the story, Frankie (female) and Johnny (male) were lovers who lived on opposite sides of a river. A huge storm came up that blocked passage across the river. Frankie had a premonition that Johnny had been injured. In her mind, she saw him lying on the floor of his living room with blood oozing from a gash on his scalp. He wasn’t moving and he was barely breathing. Frankie frantically thought of ways she could cross the river to get to him, but it was too dangerous. The waves were too high and the winds were too strong. There was only one boat that could possibly get across. It was a boat owned by Spike. Spike didn’t have the best reputation in town, but Frankie was desperate. She put on her rain gear and raced to Spike’s boat. When she got there, she threw herself on his mercy telling him all about her premonition. Spike listened intently. When she was done he said that he would take her across the river, even though it would be very dangerous, under one condition: she would have to have sex with him. Frankie cried and cried. “How can you be so cruel?” she said. “You know that Johnny and I are engaged. You know I can’t be unfaithful. I’ll give you all the money you want.”

“Those are my terms,” Spike sneered. “Take it or leave it!”

Frankie thought it over for a little while; then she agreed. Five minutes later (joke) they are ready to go.

Despite high winds and turbulent waters, Spike and Frankie arrive safely on the opposite shore. As soon as the boat is safely moored, Frankie jumps on to the dock and runs to Johnny’s house. Just as she had envisioned, she finds him lying unconscious on his living room floor. His breathing was very, very shallow. The blood seeping from his wound was beginning to clot. Frankie spent the next two weeks nursing Johnny back to health. One day after he had regained more of his memory, Johnny asked Frankie how she had gotten across the river. Frankie blurted out the whole story. Johnny became enraged. He called her a slut and a “ho” and said he could never marry her now. He told her to get out and to never come back.

Frankie began sobbing. She grabbed her things and headed back to the dock. Along the way, she ran into Sluggo, a mutual friend. Sluggo asked her why she was crying. She told Sluggo the entire story. Sluggo because incensed. “How could that idiot Johnny treat you like that after you sacrificed yourself to save his life?” He took Frankie by the hand and led her back to Johnny’s house. When they get there, Sluggo proceeds to beat Johnny up. Then he and Frankie walked arm and arm into the sunset.

After hearing the story, my students are assigned the task of ranking each one of the characters in order of most despicable to least despicable. The story never fails to bring up intense class discussion. Some students argue that Spike is the most despicable. Other students defend Spike as being a straight-shooter. After all, he could have lost his life crossing the river. Some students think that Frankie is the most despicable because of her infidelity; others defend her virtue claiming that she sacrificed herself to save her lover. There have been times when I’ve lost my voice shouting to the students to stop arguing. I have to remind the students that this is a story that is not to be taken seriously. The whole point of the story is to make students aware of their values.

According to neuroscientist Helen Fisher, infidelity is common in many species. Olivia Hudson’s Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice for all Creation describes infidelity among certain species of birds. The male bird, who has a mate and is raising a brood, will offer gifts in the form of leaves or twigs to other females.

So if infidelity is common behavior among different species, why is it that humans are so conflicted about it? What are your reactions to the Frankie and Johnny story? How would you rank the despicability of each of the characters? Can infidelity be forgiven? What about open marriages: aren’t they mutually sanctioned infidelities?

I’ve written before on this blog about my first marriage which was “open.” My ex and I knowingly had sex with other people. In many ways it was truly a gift and a genuinely loving experience; we engaged in sexual experimentation without fear of the other finding out. We allowed each other freedom. We trusted that sex had nothing to do with love. The irony, for me, was that fulfilling my sexual fantasies did not make me happy. If anything, it drove me deeper into a sense of “what is life all about” despair. That despair finally led me to a search for spiritual meaning.

I’d like to hear your thoughts about the Frankie and Johnny story. You can add some comments at the end of this post or send me an email.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky