In my last blog, I lauded displays of affection as a means of creating and maintaining loving relationships. I wrote about how the Obama family’s public displays of kissing, hugging and touching evoked feelings of love and good will in anyone who viewed their photos or who were fortunate enough to be in their presence.

As I was talking about the virtues of massage in my Health Psychology class, one of the students pointed out that not everyone likes to be touched. His comment brought to mind some work on communication and marriage I read in the book Frogs into Princes by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. The book details different modes of neuro-linguistic programming which is a form of psychotherapy.

Bandler and Grinder talk about how people process information using different sensory systems. The main sensory systems that people use to process information are visual, auditory and kinesthetic. In relationships, figuring out what you and your mate’s main representational systems are is extremely helpful. If you and your mate can’t figure out how you are processing information, then you will not be able to have completely clear communication. It would be as though one of you is speaking English and the other is speaking Cantonese. You will not be able to understand each other without a translator. Lack of communication is often cited as one of the top three reasons for divorce.

If you’re ever wondered why you and your mate are not communicating, you may want to take time to figure out what your primary sensory representational system is. Bandler and Grinder tell a story of a couple who were in therapy with Virginia Satir. The wife was primarily visual and he was primarily kinesthetic. The husband would come home from work and to de-stress he’d sink into his favorite chair with a cigarette, beer and paper, after having strewn his work clothes around the bedroom. She comes home from work and sees a messy room and a messy spouse and she gets upset. To her the room looks cluttered and slovenly. She takes his messing up the house as a sign that he doesn’t love her. He is just trying to be comfortable. He doesn’t see a mess.

As a visual, order is very important to her. As a kinesthetic, comfort is important to him. Satir, the therapist, served as translator. She told the husband to imagine that his wife had eaten a box of Saltines in bed and had gotten crumbs all over. Satir told the husband that when she sees his things strewn all over, that is her reaction. She described his wife’s experience in a language he could understand.

How to figure out which system you or your spouse uses can take some effort. Bandler and Grinder suggest doing an exercise in which you each recall the most meaningful experience you had as a child. What did that experience involve? Did it involve a favorite toy? Did it involve a movie or an outdoor scene? Was the experience hearing a lullaby? How are you re-experiencing it now? Are you making an image in your head? Are you hearing sounds or words? Are you feeling sensations in your body?

My experience in working with this idea with both clients and in my marriage, is that people process information using a combination of systems; not only that, but they will use different systems at different times. Neither Larry nor I are particularly visual when it comes to seeing messiness, but God forbid that I look serious, and Larry will immediately ask me what’s wrong. To Larry, if I’m not smiling, then something is wrong. As a result, I’ve become more conscious of smiling more. And, because I’m smiling more, I’m happier. There’s a theory in psychology called the Facial Feedback Hypothesis. The premise is that your facial expression gives you feedback about what you’re feeling; therefore, if you turn up the corners of your mouth into a smile, you will think you are happy.

The lesson is simple: real communication leads to happiness. If you do not understand what your spouse is communicating, examine the method she is using, and then mirror her particular language. For example, if she talks in kinesthetic terms, use tactile expressions like “gut feelings,” “soft, sharp, or “touching.” If your mate is visual, tell her that you “see” what she’s saying. If she’s auditory, tell her “I hear you.” The simple change in the use of language will result in greater intimacy. Just by matching systems, you will become closer; have more sympathy and greater trust and love for one another.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky