Recently, while scanning the tube on a Sunday night, I happened on the last 20 minutes or so of the Larry King show. Larry’s guests were four of the biggest names on the spiritual enlightenment circuit: JZ Knight, James Van Praagh, Debbie Ford, and Michael Beckwith. They were talking about how we are here, on earth, to learn the lesson of forgiveness. As I listened to what they were saying, I thought that they sounded very superficial, as though forgiveness was an easy process. True forgiveness is more than just overlooking someone’s perceived transgressions. Overlooking implies that the fault is still there, but you’re just not focused on it – for now. But like a scab that doesn’t heal, what’s overlooked can fester until you’re forced to look. Real forgiveness lies in recognizing the offensive behavior in one’s self; that whatever we see in someone else is really something in us. And even that idea can sound superficial. We are all so different and the forms of our idiosyncrasies vary so much, that it’s hard to recognize that “whatever I’m seeing in you, is also in me.”

One of the gifts of being in a long-term relationship is that, with time, you get to see every single idiosyncrasy your partner has. That means that you also get to see your own. Here’s a very specific example:

Larry and I celebrated our 25 + 2 year anniversary by taking a cruise. We love cruising; we both find being on a ship very, very relaxing. We also both love being entertained and we love being served. One night while we were both enjoying our dinner, Larry, cut off a piece of his salmon and put it on my plate to taste. I got angry. I didn’t ask to taste his salmon. I told him to stop trying to feed me. I also told him to “stop trying to shove something down my throat.” As soon as I said that, I thought of the times when, in my passionate presentation of an idea that he differed with, he has told me to stop shoving my ideas down his throat.

Same perception – different triggers.

In other words, we both have an aversion to being force fed against our wills. But the one doing the feeding doesn’t see it that way. The one doing the feeding just wants to be loving; he (or she) just wants to share something really wonderful. In Larry’s case, he wants to share some wonderful food with me. He feels happy when he sees me eat. In my case, I want to share some wonderful ideas with Larry. I feel happy when I see Larry digest new ideas.

In other words, we love feeding each other, yet we’re both resistant to being fed when we don’t want to be fed. Understanding and expressing that insight is the essence of forgiveness: we’re the same. We both want to share good things. We are both defensive about receiving what’s being offered. By understanding and expressing this idea, we scrape away the aggressive motive we’re perceiving and are able to see the genuine expression of love under the offering. It’s only my perception of his intention that makes me upset.

Once I become aware that my anger is based on my perception of his intention, I can pray to have my perception changed. Using a Non-Violent Communication technique, I identify the underlying need for autonomy that we both share. Forgiveness flows easily from the perception of shared needs. In the space of forgiveness, we both realize that we have to change. Larry has promised that he will not put any food on my plate without my asking for a taste. I have promised to stop pressing ideas when they are met with resistance.

I don’t know whether we’ll keep our promises. Sometimes exuberance can outweigh awareness. But I have recognized that we share core needs: we both have a need for autonomy and we both have a need to enrich the others life by sharing what we think is wonderful. In that recognition, we can enter a space of shared empathy in which creative solutions emerge. Through the eyes of empathy that forgiveness brings, we stop taking our own and each other’s idiosyncrasies seriously.

The process has been working for 25 + 2 years. It should work for another 25 + 2 years.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2009 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky