Recognizing the soul beneath your mate's character

For my birthday, my friend Monika brought me a bouquet of fresh cut rosemary from her garden. Rosemary has wonderful aroma and a mellow earthy taste that adds savory flavor to food; or at least that's what I think.

The fresh rosemary stalks were sitting on the Kitchen counter in a glass of water. When Larry came home, he asked me what it was. I told him that it's fresh rosemary and that it gives food a great flavor. He said, "Not my food! You add it to your food." Larry likes his food “straight” meaning unadorned with herbs and spices, so his response was predictable.

That moment was a Schrödinger's cat moment. I was poised in place of infinite possibility where I could have responded to Larry in any number of ways, but each way would lead me along a different path, almost a different reality, because each choice would offer a different consequence. But, more important than the different ways I could have to responded, was the intent I had behind my response. There are only two intents: do I want to share love (well-being) or do I want to share conflict (anger).

That’s the choice every relationship offers. We interact with people all day long. There was a study I read years ago that said that 80% of the variability of mood is attributed to interpersonal relationships. That means that 80 % of our mood swings during the day is determined by the quality of interaction we have with other people. So to increase our sense of well-being, it makes sense to set a loving intention for every encounter we have.

This is not easy. As five-year old Calvin of the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon series says, “The world would be a wonderful place if it wasn’t for all the other people in it.” I find it really useful to think of other people, and myself, as characters in the drama that is our life. As characters, we’re each playing a role according to the script that is our programmed thinking. We see the world through the lens of our past experiences, beliefs, likes, dislikes, and prejudices. As the central character in our dramas, we judge all events in terms of whether they’ve made us happy, as we define happiness. In the practice of Non-Violent Communication, positive or negative moods are dependent on whether we think we are getting our needs, as we define them, met.

The process is intensified in a committed relationship. If you’re with someone 24/7, it’s inevitable that you’ll have dueling dramas.

An example of a dueling drama is the rosemary story I described earlier. When Larry said, in no uncertain terms, not to add rosemary to HIS FOOD, my reaction was to laugh at his “Larriness.” For 27 years I’d been witnessing Larry’s balking at trying new tastes. I’ve also witnessed his tastes widening. So my laughter was based on my full appreciation, of the character I was married to who continues to evolve, change, and grow, no matter how unsavory the events that prompt change may be.

It also came to me that food fights – meaning clashing culinary tastes – could also lead to breakups. Clashing culinary tastes could be an irritant that stays under the skin like an ingrown hair. But, then, any differences in a relationship could become irritants that lead to breaking up, i.e., the toilet seat fight, or the picking up his clothes fight.

Which brings me back to the Schrödinger's cat moment and intent: Our love interests are characters in our drama, that we’ve chosen, because we believe they are meeting our needs, as we define, them and, as a result, we are happy. When our mates, don’t meet our needs, as we define them, we get angry. The Schrödinger's moment is dependent on the range of our repertoire of responses. Here’s a list, using the rosemary incident as the example:

Anger
Hurt
Irritation
Surprise
Change the subject
Silence
Laughter
Compassion

Relationships run into trouble when the anger, hurt, irritation response set loops over and over during dueling dramas. But remembering that your mate is a character in your drama, as you are a character in his drama, helps to deflect anger and hurt. In other words, he or she is a product of her past and so his or her reactions are just programmed responses that really have nothing to do with you. In the Schrödinger's cat moment you can respond any number of ways, the first question needs to be, do I want to experience love and well-being or do I want to fight? The former choice leads to growth. The latter choice drives a wedge between the two of you.

Not every relationship irritant can be soothed. In long-term relationships, it’s possible that issues recur: the food issues, money issue, you’re always late issue, pick up your socks issue, etc. etc. may never go away. But by remembering that your mate is a character in your drama, whom you have chosen, you can move passed the irritants to see your partner’s humanness; you begin to recognize the soul beneath the character. And the more you recognize that, the more both of your souls express themselves. What better gift can anyone offer to another than the gift of his or her soul?

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2009 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky