I had an epiphany this week while standing in the kitchen talking to Larry. As we were discussing something very import – what to do about dinner – it occurred to me that it is impossible for me to see my own face through my own eyes. By virtue of how our sight works, I can only see my own face reflected in a mirror, or reflected in someone else’s eyes.

For me this was a major AHA moment. I thought of our ancient ancestors who didn’t have silver-backed mirrors; all they had was each other to mirror and mimic facial expressions. I thought about all the psychology literature about schemas. Schemas are the ideas, beliefs, thought forms, structures, and unexamined assumptions that are built up over the years that guide our perceptual processes. Schemas provide the frame for our automatic judgments of other people’s behavior. In other words, when we’re reacting to others, we’re not reacting to what they are doing or saying; we’re reacting to our own ideas and beliefs about what they are doing and saying. We interpret their behavior through our own programming about the meaning of their behavior.

Putting the idea of schemas together with my epiphany about not being able to see my own face except in a reflection, it occurred to me what my responsibility is: I am not responsible for how other people see me, I am only responsible for how I see them. How I see others is the mirror of how I see myself.

Mother Theresa famously said that when she looks at people, what she sees is Jesus in disguise. A Course in Miracles asks us to see the face of Christ in our brothers and sisters. To see Jesus or to see the face of Christ means to see with our hearts, not our eyes. When we see with our hearts, we connect to the sameness we all share. Years ago I heard Ram Das talk about how as we grow, we’re required to put on “somebody suits.” “Somebody suits” are the different personas we wear when we’re interacting with one another. Ram Das suggested that we look for the “real you and me” inside our “somebody suits.” Singer and composer Charley Thweatt once penned a similar idea in the lyric, “it’s me in here, a child of God inside my body.”

So then the question becomes: how do I want to see other people, or more specific, what quality of experience do I want to experience. A Course in Miracles says that I have only two choices of experience: love or fear. If I see others fearfully, meaning I see them as attacking me or I’m judging them in any way, then that is the mirror image I will see reflected. That mirror image only serves to fixate my self-identity on my somebody suit, and not on the Child of God that’s wearing the suit. But, if I’m willing to reserve judgment and see through the eyes of love, what will be reflected back is the same longing for love that is my own.

To echo Mother Theresa’s sentiment, our innocent, loving nature – our original nature, as the Buddhists call it – is masked by our “somebody suits.” In striving to be “somebody” we’ve forgotten that in a sense, we are everybody. We all share the same original nature. Sometimes I marvel at my cat Cinderbella. Cinderbella was abandoned by her mother and raised by human foster mothers. But Cinderbella’s catness was never lost. She butts my leg when she wants to eat. She jumps on to the tub and rubs her face on the faucet when she wants to drink. She stands in front of the patio door when she wants to go out. Cinderbella is a cat, and nothing will ever change that.

Each of us is a Child of God and nothing will ever change that – not all the experiences of abandonment, judgment, loss, hurt or regret will ever change our original nature.

And the only way to remember that is to come back to the question of how I want to see myself reflected through the eyes of others. A Course in Miracles talks about how we can’t know God alone. Just as I can’t see my own face through my own eyes, God can’t know Itself except through Its creation that mirrors back all Its attributes.

So, when I look at Larry I don’t focus on his white hair, glasses, and bushy eyebrows, I focus on his original nature: I focus on his wisdom, strength, humor, talent, and generosity. I focus on the twinkle in his eye and the resonance of his voice. I synchronize my breath with his and offer gratitude for this loving brother without whom I can’t see my own true Self.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also teaches psychology classes at Florida International University. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky. Your can also listen to Dr. Sorah’s postcast of her Course in Miracles lectures