The other day Larry came home from having unsuccessfully trying to get an oil change. He came in venting about how he had gone to two different places each with long waiting lines for service.

I had just had a very funny conversation with my friend, Connie, about how real friends worry about each other’s BMs, especially as they get older. As the bumper sticker says “I used to want a BMW; now I just want a BM. Connie and I had laughed at the joke and I wanted to share the joke with Larry.

He had gone into the kitchen to get a glass of water. When he finished venting, I told him about the joke – real friends worry about each other’s BMs. He didn’t laugh. He launched into a tirade about how I love to worry and he never worries and worry is in my genes and remember how much my mother worried and on and on.

As I listened, I got that we were on two different frequencies. My desire to share a joke was met with an attack on my tendency to worry. I went from joyful to hurt in the space of two minutes. I told Larry that we were having two different conversations: He wanted to talk about my destructive habit of worrying, and I wanted to share a joke about BMs.

My hurt turned to defensiveness and then anger. I told him that the conversation was over. He went upstairs; I turned to loading the washing machine. The activity worked out some of the anger. My breathing slowed and I went within to get really clear about what had just happened. It came to me that it was very, very hot outside. When Larry is out in the heat for a while, he gets irritable, even though he doesn’t realize it. I went upstairs to his studio. He looked up from his paper work and swung his chair around to face me. He as smiling. I asked him if he was irritable because of the heat. By this time he had cooled off sufficiently to admit that he had been. He apologized for the diatribe and admitted that, to him, the word “worry” means “control.” To me, “worry” means “love.”

Returning to a frequency of love after a spat is not always easy. It can take time to move through the emotion to get to an understanding of what the deeper issue is. Superficially Larry got buzzed by the word worry, but he was really upset by the heat. I didn’t want to be angry about something as meaningless as my worrying. I just wanted to share a joke. After all Larry, who is my best friend, are always concerned about each other’s BMs. Isn’t that what intimate relationships are for?

When Larry and I finally laughed together, I felt relieved. I told him that I would eliminate the word “worry” from my vocabulary: from now on I will use words like “care,” “concern,” and compassion to describe any discomfort I may feel about his welfare.

The practice of empathy requires that you listen for the meta-message, as Carl Rogers described it, in someone’s communication. The meta-message is the message being delivered through the person’s feeling body. As the recipient of the message, don’t get hung up on the word, but focus on the emotion. Let the person know that you hear their concern, and then let it go. Sometimes this works miracles in the moment because the other person’s emotions are being validated. Sometimes this doesn’t work miracles in the moment because the other person feels better remaining upset.

But knowing that “we’re never upset for the reason we think,” as A Course in Miracles talks about, can short circuit the he said/she said game. Clearer communication will be reached more quickly the more you practice empathy. Empathy is non-reactive, but it generates a peaceful response. Empathy’s offspring, patience, trust and tolerance, can tame the fiercest of hearts. I should know – I’m married to a dissident of Attila the Hun.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky. Your can also listen to Dr. Sorah’s postcast of her Course in Miracles lectures