Larry and I spent about a week in Portland, Oregon visiting his daughter. His daughter had an idea to create a “Who’s my Larry” video that parodied Larry’s mores, mindset and mannerisms. The male players were Larry’s son, son-in-law, and Larry (playing himself); the female players were his daughter, her friend and I. Each of us, including Larry, did his or her best imitation of Larry answering various questions ranging from “who’s your favorite artist,” to “what were the names of your past girlfriends.” At one point, Larry’s son asked the three gal Larry imitators what they thought of the institution of marriage. Larry’s daughter said that marriage began as an economic institution for the purpose of controlling women. She added that people are stuck in convention and that you don’t have to keep doing it. Her friend said that marriage was good fro some and not good for others and that it was just one reality. I responded, as I’ve often heard Larry say, that I loved being married. I added that I’ve been married four times and I enjoyed every one of them; I learned something from each one!

My response as well as the other “Larry's” responses got me thinking about whether or not marriage will still be around as the 21st century progresses. While I was teaching a class in human sexuality this past summer, I came across an article about the rise of polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships are ones that involve multiple emotional and sexual involvements. Sometimes polyamorous people live together, as in the case of one woman who was living with two men. Sometimes they are involved with other people outside the home with the permission of the people they are living with. Some polyamorous people are married, sometimes they’re not.

I asked my class of 20 somethings whether they thought it was possible to have polyamorous relationships last a lifetime. Without hesitation, the entire class said no. They thought that it would be impossible to be emotionally involved with more than one person without being jealous.

In my book, A Chorus of Wisdom, I wrote an introduction to an essay about relationships by Stephen and Ondrea Levine, authors of Embracing the Beloved: Relationships as a Path of Awakening. In the introduction I say that Stephen and Ondrea “share the wisdom gained in over 20 years of “being” with one another through both the heights and depths of intimate relationship. Stephen and Ondrea believe that true intimacy lies in developing compassion for another’s pain. The gift they bring to anyone who has ever tried to follow the path of relationship, or to anyone who would like to try relationship as a spiritual path, is the voice of absolute authenticity about the process. They realize that to love and accept another human being is truly to love and accept one’s self. They offer a grounded spirituality based on being completely aware of the frailties and glories of being human.
“In the process of fearlessly exploring their own humanity, they provide an infinitely compassionate space for which others can come for healing.”

A committed marriage isn’t for everyone, as one of the Larry imitators said. It may just be a convention that people are stuck in. Perhaps polyamory, is the future of relationships. Perhaps having multiple partners without any sort of bonding is the future of relationships.

But, for me, the gift that marriage offers is working out the full range of human issues including anger, jealousy, pettiness, fear, anxiety, worry, and on and on and learning how to love unconditionally.

The reflection I wrote at the end of Stephen and Ondrea’s essay captures the essence of what marriage is. If you can read it and still want to say yes to marriage, then you have what it takes to make it work.

“Steve and Ondrea Levine talk about relationships. But they are not talking about any relationship. They are talking about wholehearted relationships.

In order to have a wholehearted relationship you must open your own heart, and that takes courage because in opening yourself without censorship makes you vulnerable. Your defenses are gone, your heart is transparent, and all your pimples and warts are visible to the naked eye. You have to accept yourself and your partner as both loving, open and trusting, yet knowing that each one of you have issues that are not resolved, and may never be resolved. Showing compassion for each other's pain is one of the greatest gifts of love.

In romantic love the heart resonates to the splendid parts of the loved one and we magnify these lovely parts to encompass the whole person . . . and delude ourselves that we know the wholeness of this person. But underneath it all are the wounds and scars of past trials and tribulations. The psychologist Jung called this our dark side. The dark side will slide out of it's hiding place of repression and will eventually emerge, and surface in an unpleasant manner sooner or later.

Love is not enough to maintain a wholehearted relationship. Compassion, empathy and acceptance are needed as well. The compassionate heart creates relationships here on earth that reflect heaven’s purpose.”


Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. Your can also listen to Dr. Sorah’s postcast of her Course in Miracles lectures. There is also a YouTube Channel devoted to Sorah and Larry Dubitsky’s wisdom and humor . © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.