Long term relationships require that we share the drama of Life! It’s a choice, and it’s one that I am more than willing to keep making.

The other day Larry and I had a fight. One of the A Course in Miracles chat room members called it a misunderstanding. Whether defined as a fight or a misunderstanding, we had entirely different perceptions of the same situation.

Larry’s back was hurting him. He came into the dining room and sat down at the table with an ice pack clamped to his lower back. He asked me to “do his back” meaning would I play chiropractor and crack his back along his spine. I said, yes, of course. He didn’t hear me. I didn’t know that he didn’t hear me. A few moments later I got up to get something from the kitchen. Larry asked again, “will you do my back.” His voice was a taught with anger as his face was. I stopped in my tracks and said, again, yes, of course. I already said I would do your back. His tension was palpable and I asked what’s wrong. He said “it’s so hard to get anything from you,” while making his hands into fists as though he was trying to wring the life out of something.

What! I said. How dare you? When have I ever denied you any requests?

You always find it hard to ask you for anything!

What! That’s not true. You’re full of __it!

I started to cry and raced up the stairs to the bedroom. I sat up in bed, crying and praying. My guilt pangs surfaced. Wasn’t I a good wife? Didn’t I do my best to take care of Larry? Didn’t I help him immediately when he asked? I was determined to stay angry.

Larry came up and I repeated again, how dare you? How dare you accuse me of being unresponsive to your pain? He asked if we can use non-violent communication. Of course, my heart opened, because to use non-violent communications means that you really have to listen. So I shut up and listened. Larry said that he wasn’t perfect. He still carries a belief that no one hears him. I admitted that I still carry the belief that I was guilty; that in this case, somehow, I wasn’t loving him enough and therefore he didn’t love me. Larry told me that he loved me very much. I asked him how I could let him know I hear him. He said, just say, I hear you.

We kissed and hugged. The anger between us was gone.

I realized that we had been in two entirely different dramas. He was in pain and thought I was attacking him. I saw that he was angry and thought it was my fault. As long as we stayed angry, our different perceptions of the same drama would prevent us from healing. Dramas, or situations, are just like Rorschach inkblots. Two people can look at the same inkblot and see entirely different symbols. Another example is when two eye witnesses to the same accident see entirely different scenarios.

The only thing that puts us into the same drama, or has us view a situation through the same lens, is being willing to remove the wall around our hearts to open ourselves to love.

Long term relationships require that we share the drama called Life! As Life unfolds, it’s only our open hearts that allow us to see the drama in the same light. As A Course in Miracles says, that takes a little bit of willingness. The Course asks “do you prefer to be right or happy?” If either Larry or I wanted to be right in the disagreement I described above, our relationship wouldn’t have lasted 27 years. But we both wanted to be happy and we both valued the happy drama that we’ve been sharing. To keep sharing that drama meant that we each had to open more to acceptance of one another’s humanity. Neither one of us is perfect; he still gets angry and I still feel guilty. But as we remove these masks, then the Greater Love that we are shines brighter. We grow through the dramas and grow in love and appreciation for one another and for Life.

It’s a choice I’m more than willing to keep making.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. Your can also listen to Dr. Sorah’s postcast of her Course in Miracles lectures. There is also a YouTube Channel devoted to Sorah and Larry Dubitsky’s wisdom and humor . © copyright 2009 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.