Each year, on the second Sunday in December, The Compassionate Friends, an international organization for bereaved families, holds a worldwide candle lighting for children who have died. Candles lit at 7 PM in each time zone create a 24 hour wave of light.

Everyone is invited to light a candle wherever you are in memory of children of any age who have died by any cause, and many communities invite extended family, friends and neighbors to join at a meeting hall, church or community center.

In Marin County, California, we hold a service with music, poetry and a photo montage of our children. Comfort foods, hugs and smiles are shared at a reception afterward.

As chapter leader for our local Compassionate Friends and a bereaved mom and sister, I will address those who come to the event as a loved one other than a mom or dad – our monthly support group serves primarily parents and during the program others will address their needs.


I'M GRIEVING TOO:
Sisters, brothers, sons and daughters, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpas, wives and husbands, whatever title you carry, we acknowledge your loss. We acknowledge your love. You do not suffer loss without first having loved.

This year, July 17, my brother Dave died. No matter how different my experiences are from yours with your loved one, our lives are forever altered by the void. Death changes us all. We never look at the world in the same way. Innocence is lost. Our vulnerability to tragedy is exposed. Our own immortality comes knocking.

Often we forget that siblings and other relationships may have a special bond cemented in secrets kept from parents, times shared that only we would understand — maybe just known by eyes rolling at a parent's behavior.

In addition to the loss with the deceased, we lose something from the connection with parents in particular, possibly with other siblings and other loved ones.

As a child of one who has passed, a gamut of emotions may flow through your body like a foreign object seeking the way out. Thoughts we wish we could prevent come unabated. How could you leave me so soon? Who will be my confident? I didn't always like you, but I always loved you. Did you go because I wasn't good enough?

At times, we may wonder, why am I not as important as the one no longer here? In death, they occupy my mother's, my sister's, my uncle's every thought. Why am I not enough to make my loved ones smile again?

Surviving children, wives, husbands, whatever the relationship, acknowledge your loss. Comfort yourself, treat yourself well. Walk your own path of grief. Do not deny your suffering because it must be worse for a parent. We are not in competition. We can model living with grief and re-grouping from grief. We can show others new meaning through our journey. We can lead the way back to laughter, love, life. Smiles will not take away our loss but life without joy is intolerable.